What I’m about to write I would never say in a conversation. It comes out too clichéd. From a counselling viewpoint, it might be part of a long dialogue. But through the written word, I can just say it plainly.
Whilst loss changes our lives permanently, which is why it’s so dreadfully terrifying, we prosper only when we hold to a hope that there WILL be a compensation of meaning for what it costs us.
There is only a limited audience for this kind of article — those who have genuinely lost almost everything, or those who have had a loss so vast to their person it has wrought deconstruction of their identity.
For me it was 2003-2004 when this occurred. In many ways, those losses still haven’t been recovered. I’ve been rerailed on a different track. Losing one’s family as it was is the kind of blow that can never be resolved. But, of course, humans resolve the irreconcilable through accepting a different way isn’t necessarily the end of hope.
The solution for me in reconciling my confounding situation of loss was I sold my soul to God. Simple as that. I genuinely gave my will and my life over to God, very much as a leading from AA (taking the Twelve Step program seriously). I attended 159 AA meetings in eleven months, immersed myself in the program and culture, and was led by their sponsors (mentors).
Loss broke me so much I felt I had no choice but to completely chuck the old life away.
And I think, looking back, I made a wise choice for the main part. But there’s always part of you that imagines what life might have been like. That’s a huge part of the loss journey — realising there is always regret, or a ‘what if’, there.
What I’ve learned nearly 20 years on is there are some things you’re better off accepting as early into the journey of grief as you can. But you have to stay there.
Early days for me, acceptance seemed a gift, hardly any work involved most of the time, except on those seriously backward backsliding days. Those inevitably came every month or so, and early on much more frequently.
Staying in acceptance hasn’t always been easy, however. We should never take God’s gift of grace for granted — it’s precious when we’re graced with an acceptance we couldn’t do on our own.
Major loss has the effect of changing our lives permanently, so we really are invited into being open to another life as that emerges. It often means a complete new set of relationships, new environments, new conversations, new ideas — a complete identity re-fit.
The upside is, no matter how much you miss the life that’s gone, a new life is the opportunity you wouldn’t otherwise have had? Two lives (or more) for the price of one.
I don’t expect many will get this idea, but for some it will make a great deal of sense.
Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash
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