Contrary to popular opinion, narcissists are not beyond recovery, even if it is rare. The intent behind this article is to challenge the hearts of those who are behaving narcissistically — if they’ll read it — and to encourage those who are in relationships with narcissists. This is both in terms of believing they can recover, whilst balancing it with being realistic, because most of the time they won’t and therefore don’t.
One of the best ways to help a narcissist recover — if it is safe to do so, because a lot of the time it isn’t — is to help them face how they’re thinking and behaving, and the devastating impact it’s having on others; the overt and covert violence and/or betrayal that they do. If you’re not safe enough to challenge them, that’s a death knell for the relationship. That’s a prayer for a safe exit right there!
Realistically, so long as there is awareness a person can recover; that and the want of recovery. Both things are required: awareness AND action. Without both of these, recovery is a pipedream, initially, and also futile, ultimately. So many partners and so many others so dearly wish for those who are close to them to simply identify narcissistic attitudes and behaviours that always damage their relationships.
But anyone, if they have the capacity to be honest, can recover. I love it how the AA big book tells it like it is in the chapter called, “How it works.”
I can tell you that there ARE narcissists who repent, because I’ve been to many AA and church meetings where I have heard testimonies, of how people, very often men, finally saw how much damage they were doing in other’s lives and in their own lives. They saw and they were, for the first time in their lives, cut to the heart, just as those at Pentecost were in Acts chapter 2. Such a revelation is the opening of one’s eyes, because the heart has seen the truth, and there are many examples of this, even if they are rare.
Of course, there are very many more dry drunks than there are recovered drunks who learn to feel their feelings. Just as there are many drunks who cannot put the drink down. There are far fewer drunks who put the drink down, who learn to deal with their feelings; to sit in the ugliness and feel them real. It’s the secret to the spiritual life; to accept the inevitable challenges of our emotionality.
But this is mainly about the narcissist who genuinely repents — who not only recovers from the outer condition, observable in its manifest destruction, but who heals the inner person such that others are safe. Still so few, I hear you say. In all the AA meetings I went to I met dozens on this journey, which is not to say all addicts are narcissists (nor are all narcissists addicts), but they do tend to slide down the slippery slope that way. The AA program, the Twelve Steps, and the Twelve Traditions help those in recovery get the log out of their own eye (see what Jesus says about this in Matthew 7:3-5).
Let’s look at some signs to watch for:
- inward facing, noticing the three fingers pointing back from the outstretched arm normally pointing the index finger at someone else, there is a focus unlike ever before — suddenly they’re keen to see their faults and they resist pointing out others’ faults and assigning blame...
- … and there is wonder in their eyes. All suddenly makes sense like never before. Suddenly the realisation they have more power and say over their own destiny — and others they care about (a malignant narcissist does not have the capacity to care) — than ever before, they know somehow that they are the ones who are responsible for change in their own life, and in this they sense freedom...
- … to grow, to become transformed, and to achieve everything they felt was out of reach to achieve. For starters, they are happy to look for their own fault in conflicts, and the penny drops; in blaming others there was no chance for peace, and now, with an attitude change, they have the power to broker peace...
- … they, as they see their problems, are encouraged and they don’t mind admitting that they are recovering narcissists — that’s a game changer...
- … and there is enduring change. They add to one day, another. Consecutive days to the completion of seven and there’s a week having lived in the light. When one week is done, it’s not hard to add another one, and before they know it, the honest, self-accounting life is power for change to every corner of their existence.
The hard thing in this reality is the circumstance of ones who live in the company of those who never repent; who never get it; who never have their eyes opened, or for those who do, they just cannot sustain honesty for long.
It is rare for a full-blown narcissist to recover, and I understand just how some people don’t believe that any do. But in situations where it does happen there is much glory to God, provided they give their lives to the living of amends. The keys to recovery are having honesty to a fault, humility enough to look within, tenacity to feel feelings, patience to endure the day, the passion to live for others, and faith to believe that recovery is possible.
It is possible. God can do the impossible. I’ve seen it myself. But, (and this is a BIG ‘but’), it’s a one in one-hundred deal. This means, realistically, 99 out of 100 remain lost.
If you are a narcissist, and you wreak havoc, be the one in 100. Be special, not for how great you think you are, but for how much God has done to open your eyes to cleanse you from within as you live a life of service from now on in. The way we feel special in the right way is how we feel when we serve others and they feel loved.
If you are suffering at the hands of a narcissist, help them make the right decision by leaving the relationship, or ceasing to relate with them on their diabolical terms. A truthful love is the only answer, for there is no other love. The want for change, however, must come from them.
We need to pray for miracles, that the violent and the betrayer would repent, because not everyone can easily get out of those relationships.
Perhaps to finish some would say that those who recover from ‘narcissism’ never were narcissists in the first place. I can live with that.
Photo by Krzysztof Niewolny on Unsplash
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