How the Spirit is quenched in spiritual abuse

The Spirit is a fire and the flames are licks of life and hope giving peace. When we say that the Holy Spirit is in us, dwelling deeply within, we’re saying that the hope and peace of God flourishes within us with power.

But the hope and peace of God doesn’t flourish when that fire within us is quenched.

Quenching of the Spirit within us can occur in many circumstances for many reasons. I want to focus on one of those very significant reasons here: how spiritual abuse quenches the Spirit in us.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse is more than using Bible verses out of context to attack us. But it is that. Spiritual abuse is more than gaslighting us into believing we’re insane or unworthy. But it is that, too. Spiritual abuse is more like ANY attack that erodes our being, for spiritual-anything is about our whole being, and anything that erodes us spiritually attacks and undermines our entire being.

We may perceive spiritual abuse as an attack, but very often we don’t! To actually notice it when it’s occurring takes a discernment many do not have, and which takes a significant amount of time and (sadly) life experience around abuse to understand.

This is why so many spiritual abusers get away with it. And when the behaviour is highlighted, too many people dismiss what has been noticed, sometimes because they don’t want to appear ungracious. But grace doesn’t abide in sin.

The Benefit of Kind Correction

Somehow, we’ve fallen for the lie that we must forgive everything without capturing the opportunity to execute the kindness of justice. I say kindness, because justice is the kindness of love concerned for what is right.

When people are wronged, it’s important
that what was wrong is made right.

This is exactly the premise of good parenting.
Children learn best when they engage justice.

If a person snubs correction that is done kindly, they miss their opportunity, they reject our kindness, and they appear in that moment to trust themselves rather than God. We must be careful, however, because people can say they’re doing things kindly and they’re not being kind at all—another abuse! But correction done kindly leads to the one corrected being thankful.

Spiritual abuse is centrally about power and manipulation in that the abuser has their goal and all their behaviour drives them toward meeting that objective. Their goal is like a doctrine to them and they act like gods, in that they characteristically put their own agenda above God’s agenda.

The Spirit in us is quenched—the fire is cooled, smothered, or flamed-out—when we are spiritually abused. There’s no two ways about it. Even if we don’t detect the abuse, we can know it is abuse by the way it feels.

We feel ashamed, despondent or it just seems off. This is different from experiencing the conviction of the Spirit through rebuke. We can be rebuked kindly for our growth, knowing the rebuke was lovingly given, and it was the best thing we ever heard—a sign that the fire is well stoked within us.

But there is a rebuke that is given that is not for our good. It’s inflicted to harm us. See how important kindness is? Rebuke given harshly is truth spoken devoid of love. And yet, spiritual abuse misses the mark in terms of truth as well.

Discerning Correction from Control

Now, the person who harmed us by quenching the Spirit in us may well say, “No, I wasn’t harsh... you’re being too sensitive... of course, I didn’t mean it for your harm, but for your good.” This assumes they’ve corrected us in truth, which isn’t always the case.

It is not good to be under any kind of influence that uses spiritual abuse. It erodes us from within. They might say something that might make sense biblically or morally, but that just doesn’t add up somehow—we detect this in our spirit. It doesn’t feel right.

As the Holy Spirit is a still, small Voice in us, ready to speak to us when we’re ready to listen, this Voice speaks in our feeling “off” when our spirit is upset.

Discerners of the Voice of the Spirit

We need to become good discerners of an upset spirit within us. Our feeling upset within, often for reasons we can’t pinpoint, occurs for a reason, however unidentifiable in the moment the cause may be. We may feel controlled.

As we enjoy a personal relationship with God, it’s up to us to tune our discernment of what God is saying, especially in terms of the things people do and say that have impact.

The endgame of the abuser, whether they know it or not, is they wish to be our god through control.

The abuse has the effect that it nullifies our own critical thinking path, because we’re becoming more reliant on their voice speaking things which are persistent wrongs.

So, not only do we experience demoralisation, which is a Spirit-quenching attack on our heart, but we begin to stop thinking deeply about things. We question less and assume the person leading us knows. See how we have begun to place our trust in a human being rather than God?

Discerning Relationships of Correction from Relationships of Control

Kind people are known by how they encourage us to think differently. These people would be horrified to think others might follow them blindly, but that’s actually the goal of the toxic person.

The more time we spend controlled we feel, the more the Holy Spirit is quenched within us through spiritual abuse. We shelve our thinking. But safe people not only allow challenges they make room for them.

Spiritual abuse is so subtle. It occurs covertly, as poisonous darts cloaked in a smile; a confident self-assurance that better not be challenged.

Sadly, the people who read this and other pieces or books on spiritual abuse are usually the converted—the ones who have experienced it. We may have never encountered it. It may seem bizarre and too incredible to contemplate. Once we’ve been there, however, our eyes are opened to both its prevalence and devastation.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash