The subtleties between True Kindness and Grooming

Photo by Jack Seeds on Unsplash

It suddenly occurred to me recently that there is very little difference between kindness done with a pure heart and grooming done with a malevolent heart. The behaviours could almost be indivisible.

How many people who were ever groomed by a narcissist suspected the charming kindness came from a heart bent on manipulation and control? Those who would groom someone have weaponised kindness and their charm can be impossible to detect.

Those who have suffered such entrapment, having long formed committed relationships with wretched individuals, should forgive themselves. It’s not your fault that you were bamboozled and fell for the charisma that was foisted upon you.

But it begs the question:

… how might we discern the difference between
genuine kindness and grooming,
because they can look exactly the same?

I can tell you why I’ve had this revelation. I have seen my interest in others from their viewpoint… “Why’s this guy so overly kind and gracious?” I have seen others’ interest in me… “Why is this person turning on the charm?”

When we try too hard to be kind it comes off as grooming. But the kindness may well be done authentically. And we all love to receive kindness, because deep down we believe we’re worth it. And we are.

We just don’t expect that that kindness done is done to control us.

But here’s one test to discern kindness from the kind of grooming a narcissist engages in. It all comes down to the word control. Can the person do the kindness and not seek to control you in any way whatsoever, ever… ever is the really operative word.

Grooming can start off without control,
but ultimately manipulation must control.

If a person can continue being kind without requiring anything in return they’re probably genuine.

But if someone does a kind thing and it has any conditionality about it, we ought to be wary. The truth is there are so many situations where people do kind things for us for some reason attached to what they hope to get out of it. It’s the way sales and marketing work in this world. And we’re all liable to be tempted to manipulate people and situations. The difference is in whether we do it or not.

It’s up to us to test everything, and to operate as Jesus said, shrewd as serpents, innocent as doves.