Thursday, September 11, 2014

When Darkness Fades to Lonely Nothing

I’ve been inspired to write a post for ‘R U OK day’ because of this raw and very real post; I literally found myself in the storyline.
My first experience of being chastened to the point of death – of suicide – involved a plan hatched in grip of sleep deprivation, having learned my partner had cheated on me. I was shattered. When she broke the news with me I had a profusion of shock, anger, and sadness. I didn’t want to be alive. I wanted to harm myself. But in the midst of parking my vehicle just thirty metres from the site of the act, God reminded me of my precious three daughters. I was even more shattered; I could not put them through such a thing.
My second experience – five months after separating from my ex-wife – when I was still desperate for her – I was anguished all morning at work. I reached out to a helpline and that seemed to help a little. But I kept getting text messages that indicated I had no control over a situation I needed control over. I left work early that day. I drove to my flat and thought of a way to end it all. One image remained. But I wasn’t sure if it would work. I was so emotionally exhausted that I fell onto the bed in a teary heap. Later (about 10 minutes later) I drove to my church, thirty kilometres away. There was no pastor there to greet me; no one was there. Desperate I went to my parents place around the corner from the church, and the strangest thing happened. We sat outside and just the momentum of my fatigue, and something I can only attribute to the Spirit of God, saw me surrender before my parents’ empathy. Suddenly I was flushed with hope – a miracle.
The third and most recent incident was relatively recent – two years ago. It was just a fleeting series of thoughts, but it was a powerful reminder that we can find ourselves considering self-harm.
What have I found to be the answer?
Being honest and being real about all our thoughts and feelings, no matter how shameful they appear to be. It’s okay if we feel so despondent that we consider drastic actions, but that is the invitation to share with someone who will care. And anyone who has suffered these types of thoughts – and many of us do – will probably ‘get it’.
So, if you don’t feel okay, share with one of many who will care.
© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

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