As I arrive at this night, 20 September, I’m reminded that it was the last night I drank alcohol — in 2003 — also a Saturday night. I had no idea that my world would be flipped upside down 48-hours later.
Going through my diaries and the things my mother wrote me at the time, it’s remarkable how motivated I was in the depths of the worst grief losing my first marriage, facing rock bottom, going to AA meetings 3-5 times a week before the church took over, and connected me to my life purpose.
Oh the tears I shed in those days as I read the accounts, my life was like a cork bobbing up and down in a storm-tossed ocean. What is also remarkable is the strength and love of people like my mother and father who rode every bump, and my daughters who were my reason for enduring that time.
I’d been married 13 years, was 36, and at that time my daughters were 11, 8, and 5. I’ve said it and written it many times; my desperation was as bad as anyone could imagine. Five months later to the day of the separation (23 February 2004) was the second time I was too close to ending my life.
I never missed alcohol. My problems were far more pressing. The last thing I wanted to do was pick up a drink. I threw myself into the Twelve Steps AA recovery program, meeting with my sponsors, and looking inward at the mess my life had become, even though my parents and others didn’t actually think I was “alcoholic.” My ex-wife thought I was, and I was so desperate to win her back at that time that I was done drinking.
The truth is, I was an alcoholic, and I cannot drink. I could never have one or two every now and then.
I’d been a binge drinker mainly on weekends for ten years, and during my late teen years and early 20s I’d often drunk heavily on weekends. I was never a black-out drunk but due to my size as a bodybuilder I could tolerate large quantities of alcohol. I’d done more than a lifetime of drinking between ages 18 and 36.
22 years on and I have never missed alcohol. I can’t think of anything better than being sober, especially when life is hard. Interestingly, I went to a psychologist years ago and he said that I’d swapped my addiction from alcohol to Jesus — I don’t agree with that assessment. My view is that I discovered strength in my weakness back then by living for the glory of God, and I know that with God in my life I’ve got nothing left to prove or gain — and life always makes sense even when nothing makes sense.
22 years on I’m thankful that my lived experience in recovery from alcoholism helps me connect with people who want help.
The truth is, none of us NEED alcohol.
