“Men don’t know how to be men. Many men fear
that they are unsafe.”
— Aaron Bradfield
“To be a spiritually healthy person you have
to be an emotionally healthy person.”
— Rob Furlong
What happens when you get 45 men
in a room with a pastor and a counsellor to discuss sex and relationships over
a meat pie and a can of Coke?
Answer: a lot of
education, connecting fellowship, and encouragement.
What follows are some of my
thoughts from the notes taken from a Sex and Relationships “Real Men Pie Night.”
Pornography
Sex is sacred and pornography
devalues what is sacrosanct.
The commonest problem men are
dealing with is pornography, and, to a lesser extent, burnout—both physical and
spiritual. Because pornography is so accessible these days—one mouse click
away—more and more men (and more women for that matter) are becoming entrapped
by pornography.
Among the many dangers involved in
pornography is the pressure it places on men’s partners; women who feel under
pressure to look like and perform like the porn stars.
It’s amazing how many Christian
men struggle with pornography, but almost every one of them believes they are
alone. It is the oldest lie of the devil to isolate us in such ways.
Interestingly, pornography is not so
much about sex, as it’s much more to do with our own story—what we, as persons,
have not recovered from. Dealing with our pasts—being honest about them with
trusted others—helps to heal us.
Dealing with the problem of
pornography probably best begins with therapy, and possibly group therapy. The
best thing we can do, in our struggle with pornography, is to be open and
honest with a trusted friend, and ask that friend to pray with us.
Openness and honesty are the keys.
The only real exception to
complete openness and honesty is timing and wisdom with our wives in declaring
our problems. Our wives are not to be burdened with being our accountability
partners. A bit like Step 9 of AA’s 12-Step Program, where, amends is to be
made, it defeats the purpose if our amends injures the person we want God to
heal. We must pray for wisdom and discernment about the details. But we should
tell them, somehow, we have a problem that we’re dealing with.
Men’s and Women’s Identities
Just as the quote at top says, men
have learned to lose confidence in their male identity. We may struggle with
viewing ourselves as on the one hand, dangerous, but, on the other hand, soft.
Our lack of male identity is often caused at a societal level, but it was
learned and is reinforced all the more from our families of origin.
Men’s overriding psychology about
their masculinity is about, “do I have what it takes?” Women’s overriding
psychology about their femininity is about, “do you (my man) delight in me.”
If the man’s identity is to
treasure his woman, that he makes her the object of his affection, he bridges
the gap between him and her.
The Sex Relationship
It’s critically important for men
to understand that their women need to be treated with the utmost respect. If a
woman isn’t respected she may be characteristically reviled by the thought of
sex. Men tend to not understand this and wonder why they have unfulfilling
sexual relationships. The sexual relationship between a married couple is a
good representation of the overall relationship. If the sex is good it probably
means that the woman feels safe, cherished, and respected in the marriage.
A man cannot grow in intimacy with
his wife unless he is prepared to devote his whole sexual life to her alone. He
must be not just physically faithful, but mentally and spiritually faithful as
well. Intimacy ignites passion as a slow but reliable flame.
Where there is a disparity between
the libidos of a husband and his wife, where characteristically the husband’s sexual
drive is higher, he may be able to engage sexually with her present in ways
that she doesn’t need to be actively involved.
But wherever a wife is involved
sexually the husband needs to pay caring attention to what leads up to the
sexual event. Sex, at least for the woman, begins in the brain. Women are not interested in sex
when the relationship is poor. It is up to men, and the onus is on us, to build
intimacy with our wives.
Furthermore, it may be a stretch
for a man to understand what it might be like to have a body that is sexually
penetrated. A man finds it difficult to imagine how vulnerable a woman must be
to allow a man to enter into her body. The sex act needs to be creative, not
rushed, and not mechanical.
As men we need to treat our women
as they should be treated: with the utmost respect.
Lastly, it is of real value for a
woman to understand that a man feels rejected deeper down when he isn’t getting
sex. But the first onus is on the man to ensure his wife is happy; that she is
being loved and respected unconditionally.
© 2013 S. J. Wickham.
Acknowledgement: a special vote of thanks and gratitude for Pastors Rob Furlong
and Aaron Bradfield, who were a beautifully complementary team as part of an
expert panel providing the above wisdom, and to Pastor Anthony Palmieri for his
“Pie Night” vision.
No comments:
Post a Comment