“Irritable! That’s how I often feel!” And upon checking with my wife, she agreed.
Strange as it might seem we both realised something was not right, separately, on the
same day, after 18 months
of struggle.
Such was the realisation that the
consuming anger that would rise up without warning was actually a sign that I
was reaching my end—I was depressed. What a revelation that was; to know there
was a way out, but that that way out meant admitting my weakness. And then an
irony appeared; the moment I admitted my need for help, in that moment—that
very moment—hope drew near.
Irritability is a tell-tale sign
of depression, especially in males.
Something would go ‘wrong’ and I
would flip into a rage, even if I was alone or nobody else noticed; within me I
was beside myself with fury. And at the very same time part of me was asking,
in a desperate state of confusion, “What’s going on here, Steve?!”
Such fits of anger were tiring,
and though fortunately there was usually no visible harm created, there was
much spiritual torment that needed to be reconciled. I was out of control and
didn’t know how to restore that control.
But the word irritability—or
irritable—got me wondering. It hit me in a moment of openness of heart and
mind. God used that word to reveal his truth. My irritability was the sign I
was depressed. I had fought the best I could, in my own strength, for 18
months. Now was the time to truly admit my weakness and seek help.
Why Anger Is Often the Sign of
Depression
Why would we get unreasonably angry
otherwise, unless our inner world was in turmoil?
Sometimes anger is all we have
left to rail against a world we can neither understand nor work with. That
world, for whatever reason or reasons, has given us cause to feel rejected in
some way. All we have left is anger. And self-righteousness is the driver,
because justice has not been served—according to the depressed mindset.
Anger reveals sadness for the
issues of contempt in our lives we have no control over. And it doesn’t take
much to feel out of control.
When we admit our sadness,
however, because we have realised the role anger is playing, the path to
recovery opens up—despite the despair within our circumstance.
***
Uncharacteristic irritability can
be a sign of the sadness of depression. Sometimes all we have left is anger;
but upon realising our need for help, to admit that, opens a path to recovery.
If we are honest about anger we may see the sadness beneath. Such sadness is an
invitation to be explored, to be validated, and to be wrestled with. As soon as
we do these things the door to hope swings ajar and then wide open.
© 2013 S. J. Wickham.
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