The nasty side of the “nice guy”

We’ve all encountered this sort of guy, and some of us have even tried it on, but the nice, endearing, funny and charismatic external persona hides an insidious, dark side, that is full of secrecy, passive aggression, manipulation, dishonesty, and control.  Inevitably all this is from a base of insecurity borne out in shame.

This is why it seems too good to be true to be in a relationship with someone who is so warm and winsome, and yet give the relationship a few months or a year or two and they “become” completely different.  The warmth and winsomeness were a façade.  Their back of stage comes to the prominent fore sooner or later.  Their disingenuous nature begins to reveal itself.

The hallmarks of the beginning that starts off so well is the propensity to please people, to offer excessive apologies, and to make unreasonable concessions, and when you think about it such concessions are not sustainable in the longer term.

The insecurity that prompted the behaviours of concession springs from a sense of dishonesty with oneself and with others.  It springs from the need to control one’s environment, to procure an image.  Of a sense, it’s manipulation, to procure a reputation that isn’t truly theirs. And when a person’s truth starts to be borne out in their behaviour, the passive aggression and anger is easily seen.

The nasty side of the nice guy comes out in due course, once all those earlier red flags are revealed in the full course of time.  The nastiest side of the nice guy is their unwillingness to party with the truth.  The more a person pretends they can get away with a lie, the more they delude themselves and punish others with their reprehensible behaviour.

The nice guy isn’t beyond repair, and if only a person who struggles with these propensities will be honest, they can recover.  It is just as easy for a nice guy to discipline himself to be honest and to embark on a journey to that end.  But he will need help, either from an accountability partner or a counsellor.  He will need to be open to the truth others observe.

The cause of all this is anxious attachment, where a person, a man in this case, has insecurities around who he is.  His identity is fused to others, and situational factors, because there is no solid sense of self.  A solid sense of self is possible to develop, however, if a person wants it.

These are the steps a “nice guy” needs to take:

Honesty – this man needs to be honest at every point and juncture of his life, especially regarding the things that he thinks, says, and does.  He must become ruthlessly accountable.  Then he will see the upside.

Control – any sense of control that a man takes must be repented of.  This is because control is the very behaviour that comes out of insecurity.  Why would anyone seek to control anything or anyone?  Such motives can only be borne out of lack, out of insecurity.  Therefore, control is a sign that insecurity is operant.  The person who has no need of control shows they’re not insecure.

Manipulation – if a man isn’t honest and cannot see his manipulation, the person he’s manipulating will soon tell him if they’re allowed to be honest.  Men need to learn to listen, and to take heed of what they’ve been told, because all this is great intelligence, and I do mean “intelligence” in the way of critical information about themselves they can’t prosper without.

Secrecy – like with the foregoing, a person safe in their own skin doesn’t need to manipulate anything, and they don’t need to either keep secrets or act in secrecy.  Rigorous honesty is what must be pursued.

Passive Aggression – when control won’t work anymore, and manipulation is seen for what it is, anger is the result, but passive aggression is the stubborn will that still refuses to give up control.  All passive aggression needs to be given up – surrendered – and placed before the foot of the cross.

Each of us at every moment stands at a precipice.  We can grow if we want to grow.  It must come from within.  Help is possible and recovery is a possibility, but we will get nowhere until we’re centrally involved in embarking on such a journey.