It happens to me once or twice a month; an intense hit I take, and it leaves me flat, sad, beyond hope, essentially despairing. Everything within my mind and body seems at war. I can hold it together, if I want, but I hate being fake these days.
Deeper into the journey of turmoil I sit there and admit it’s a spiritual crisis—a crisis of spirit. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I can’t be bothered fixing it. Yet, I hate it that I’m not feeling together.
I know what I need most of all in these tormenting hours. It is connection I need. To talk all the nonsense out. To expel the anger through a safe channel that attenuates harm. To experience the acceptance of, say, my wife as she just listens. To try and find words that might reconcile what is impossible to express. To jettison energy in the attempt to engage. To come to the very end of myself and then be situated in a stillness that has no answers yet accepts.
The reassurance we need when we feel estranged from ourselves can seem distant.
The comfort we strive for when we’re disillusioned and alienated is the connectedness that reminds us what we feel when we’re as far as possible from loneliness. When all our needs feel met. There’s an intrinsic satisfaction in feeling connected to ourselves. These times we either want to connect others, get creative, or sink into a soothing meditation.
Moments of spiritual crisis occur when we’re deep in estrangement, when all about us feels itchy within, and when we just cannot put our finger on what’s wrong. We may feel frustrated and annoyed, but the real issue is sorrow for what feels horrible and fear that we’ve truly lost our way.
Reassurance is found in resting in the truth that through connection we will find our way again. Not through dissociation though. The last thing we need is to depart into a dangerous temptation—a drink, a drug, a bet, a fancy or a fantasy, and any other escape.
Escape promises a counterfeit sense of connection that is opposite to connection and only exacerbates our problems. It takes us further than ever from a meeting with ourselves. Escape is a hideous betrayal of connection when connection could change everything.
Reassurance is received through reconnection to ourselves through facing our lonely reality. Through honesty, no matter how painful it is, we are reconnected with ourselves.
Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash
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