The pages of my journal in the
latter half of 2007 are bare for the most part; quite uncharacteristic for me
during that period of life. There is a
story to be told, which those pages allude to tellingly.
I was in a murky depression. Embarking on my forties, in a crisis of
vocation, having recently married, surprised how unanticipated my life had
become. Life deconstructed.
This depression came as a Fujita-5 tornado,
rapid and sudden; its signs only clear from hindsight. Those symptoms appeared, unwittingly and
unfairly, on our honeymoon.
Here is one story of how depression
involves fracture of the mind creating enormous emotional fragility and
spiritual crisis:
On an innocent enough Saturday
morning I changed the engine oil in my Hyundai.
I’d done it dozens of times. The
job done, I started the engine. Checking
everything was working as it should I was shattered to find oil running all
over the driveway. I shut the engine
down and ran inside absolutely broken, sobbing tears like a baby. I met Sarah in the kitchen and fell into her
arms, before flopping to the floor. She
didn’t know what had occurred and it took her a little while to find out. I was inconsolable. Normally I might react angrily that the job
went badly; but in my depression there was no agency for such fight.
The fracture in my mind had
contributed to the spilt oil in the first place; with depression it’s so hard
to keep the mind on task. I had failed
to remove the old O-ring. With a clear
mind I would never make such a fundamental error. Yet, as I recall doing the task, my lack of
self-confidence was poignant. Neither
the mind nor the emotions could hold me up.
As I reflect over that initial
period of our marriage I quickly feel for the plight my new wife must have
found herself in; her new husband completely insecure of identity, warred upon from
within, defences down, a victim of a broken mind, that ran unchecked according
to its own will, and a heart vulnerable to the cognitive chaos it sat under.
For a period of just over three
months I had a daily battle. I was in a
paid ministry role and felt completely inadequate to discharge that duty most
of the time. Many times I had to put my
depression to one side and pray that the Lord would uphold my mind and my
emotions whenever I was ministering with the youth. God was incredibly faithful. My senior pastor, too, graciously allowed me
to continue in the work. To have to
continue to show up helped. But there
were days, also, when I couldn’t function, and nobody could make me if I couldn’t
make myself.
Coming Out of It
What ultimately drew me out of that
depression was the Word of God — Proverbs to be exact. I began
reading a chapter of Proverbs per day, and remained on that plan, meditating on
chapters of about twenty verses daily, for eighteen months. That book of the Bible saved my mental,
emotional, and spiritual life. I read
little else of the Bible during that time.
Proverbs was a book in season for me.
Focusing on Proverbs got my mind
engaged and steadied my emotions as the Holy Spirit spoke encouragement’s life
into me. It showed me how important the
steadiness of studying one book or section of God’s Word is. Proverbs gave me the character of God as a
structure for the wisdom I sought.
Through Scripture, God was able to
steady me enough to heal the fracture in my mind, and that helped fortify the
fragility of my emotions.
Thankfully I came out of this
depression about as quickly as I entered it.
And, for the record, I took SSRI
antidepressant medication. They were
important; about as important as recognising the signs and symptoms and
admitting I was out of control. As soon
as I have recognised I’m out of control, quickly I’ve been able to address the
confusion and start on getting well again.
May God truly bless you as you go
gently with yourself,
Steve Wickham.
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