“It’s
always helpful to remember that when perfectionism is driving, shame is riding
shotgun.”
PERFECTIONISM is at the root of
many evils of unconsciousness that grow great trees of unacknowledged shame in
us. Let me attempt to illustrate.
If we rail against feedback, which
may or may not represent the truth, or maybe partial truth, we have a feeling
that the feedback is well-intentioned, but there’s something jarring in it. It’s
the feeling of shame. Like, “I should be over this. I shouldn’t struggle with
this… but I am struggling with this.
It’s driving me crazy.”
Or, if we hold ourselves to such
high standards — them that we’ve usually reached — but find we no longer can — our
perfectionism has turned against us and our shame is now prominent. That’s
because our purpose has been shaken
somehow. I’m talking our over-abiding purpose of life — an existential purpose
we all have: life has to be meaningful. Shame drives that purpose down within
us.
Perfectionism is an often
unconscious living within a lie. It’s never helpful in a sustainable way,
though it will undergird the achievement of amazing results. Then, when we’ve
realised these results mean much less than we wanted them to, we’re
inconsolably disillusioned.
Shame is that horrid reality that
can only be addressed as we face it in vulnerability. In vulnerability shame can
no longer stand as it is; it has to be transformed through truth to a grounded
acceptance. Acceptance is always liberating, freeing us to joy.
The perfect answer to driving perfectionism
out of town is twofold: awareness of shame and our purpose beyond it, through
vulnerability.
If we’re happy to explore our
laments we’ll soon discover our expectations are set in something that’s
unrealistic. Such a perfection intuits shame. As Brown suggests, perfection’s
close assistant is shame. What else would drive us to an unrealistic locale of
person? But when we come to accept the place life’s brought us to be in, we’re
better situated to consider life from a neutral perspective.
Driving perfection out of town
means turning the gun on shame through intentional vulnerability. The more we
embrace our imperfections of brokenness, the less shame we cavort with, and the
better our experience of reality.
As perfection holds the reins, with
shame riding shotgun, life is miserable.
If shame rides shotgun for
perfectionism, vulnerability rides shotgun with acceptance. One is bondage; the
other, freedom.
The way through brokenness to
wholeness is the self-acceptance of grace through vulnerability. But, perfectionism
takes us away from, not toward, joy.
Joy can only be experienced when we
accept the realness of our reality.
© 2015 Steve Wickham.
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