How can we love others,
If we do not love ourselves?
Our spouses, children,
Our sisters and brothers,
How can we love others,
Until our
good God delves?
***
Eleven
years ago this very day, October
4, 2003, the very worst day of my life to date, was the day, I, for the first
time, seriously contemplated suicide. I won’t go into the sordid details,
because that would, I have no doubt, disrespect others. Suffice to say, if the
news I received twelve days previously didn’t rock my world, the news I
received on the day in question shook my world like an earthquake. Add to the
fact that I went three or four days without sleep, I then had a complete
emotional breakdown on October 8. Anxiety and depression were in full swing. These
were within a continuously long series of rock bottom days. That October was a
horrendous month. November 2003 wasn’t much better. This October, on the other
hand, is its polar opposite; I live with far more hope than I could have ever
dreamt of back then.
Having been blindsided by marital separation
and divorce, I finally woke up to myself. God had brought critical information
about me, in the context of my family, to my attention and I could no longer
ignore it. I needed to repent. And such repentance wasn’t a once-off activity;
it continues today. The Christian life is a penitent life. We are always trying
to outdo ourselves in love. Others must be the benefactors.
I was unable to do this only because of the lack
of experience of one fact: knowing, for the first time in my life, God’s unique
love for me, his child, helped me love myself. And only as I was able to love
myself was I able to love others appropriately – my children, and, of course,
my former wife. Before the epiphany of my salvation I could not love myself
and, therefore, I didn’t understand how to love others in a sustainable way.
My former wife deserved a better husband than
I was when I was married to her. I was not an abusive husband, but I certainly
was inattentive, and, at times, neglectful. Spouses should only need to put up
with that for a time. I missed the mark in terms of love. I didn’t love her
enough because I didn’t love myself enough deep down.
Some people might say “Why didn’t you change
the way you were while you had the chance?” This is where the chicken or the
egg comes in. I couldn’t possibly love anyone the way they deserved to be loved
until I met Jesus and
experienced the empowering to love of the Holy Spirit. And the only way I could
have met Jesus was to have my life crushed, because that is the only way God
was getting my attention. I had too much pride, was too ambitious, had
unreconciled anger, and lacked woefully in the area of self-control. So, until
I could see it was too late I would not have been prepared to turn my life
upside down; which I did the moment the marriage was over.
Sometimes we need to be shaken up. And praise
God if we respond.
But sometimes the consequences of our past actions
in the flesh remain, despite all our good intent for the present and future.
Inevitably we will need to miss the mark in
areas of our lives before we learn the lessons God has for us. It’s not the end
of the world. God can shine hope upon every hopeless situation. Our only
appropriate mindset is the best is yet to come.
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