Step 1: Honesty
Having somehow failed in an endeavour that was supposed to last our
whole lifetime there can be tremendous guilt and even shame, but we have to
admit we were powerless over the end
result.
Step 2: Faith
Having been either blindsided or pushed to a point beyond which we
thought the relationship could be reconciled, we must come to a place to know
that God is the one we should rely on now – to get through this, and to forge a
new identity with. We need someone bigger in control – God.
Step 3: Surrender
Having tried a lot of our lives one particular way, the opportunity now
is to turn our will and our lives over to the God who knows us and who wants only
the best for us. Difficult days ahead call for a powerful Ally.
Step 4: Soul Searching
We are helped never so much, when taking stock of our lives, than by a
searching inventory of what we could have done better. We can only improve for
the next relationship if we do our character work – at least understanding and
taking responsibility for what we personally could have done better.
Step 5: Integrity
Reconciling what went wrong, with a person we trust, before God, and
even with our former partners if at all possible, is a basis for strength and
integrity going forward. Our integrity makes us focus only on what we
could have done better. What they should have done (or done better) is irrelevant
for our purposes.
Step 6: Acceptance
Acknowledging shortcomings is both humbling and taxing, but it is
essential if we are to make inroads into who we wish to become from where we
are coming from.
Step 7: Humility
We are to commit to God to address our shortcomings. The rubber hits the
road here, and the test is not a sprint; it’s a marathon of virtuous integrity.
Shortcomings will show up in the next relationship if we are not brutally
diligent now and in an ongoing sense.
Step 8: Willingness
Perhaps it’s not only our former spouse we need to make amends with. Even
if the majority of fault is not ours, amends can still be made for our share of
the marriage failure. Amends ought to be made to anyone who was affected or
impacted.
Step 9: Forgiveness
The actual step of repentance is made here. Here is where we make sure
we do all we can to remove barriers to forgiveness – of our former spouse and
any important others forgiving us. Additionally, we have some forgiving to do
to. Let’s not delay what is crucial work for all futures involved.
Step 10: Maintenance
Maintenance is hard. It’s far easier being brave and doing the
reparatory work when it’s a one-off, but character change is an ongoing effort
of staying humble, approachable, and most importantly honest.
Step 11: Staying In Conscious Contact With God
The key to maintenance really is developing our powers of discernment
that we can discern the will of God and then have the courage to carry it out,
with consistency.
Step 12: Service
We must, finally, be prepared to be an advocate for good marriage where
both partners have mutual trust and respect – where both are earned – and where
love abounds. We must believe such an outcome is personally realisable.
***
Recovery from divorce requires many things,
including honesty, courage, integrity, and humility. Wherever we stand so far
as fault is concerned is largely irrelevant in recovery so far as blame’s
concerned. Once we have grieved then it’s time to prepare for a future
relationship, and this is done by sorting out our character glitches.
© 2014 S. J. Wickham.
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