I care but I don’t know how

Funerals can be daunting.  But so can an unexpected rendezvous in a shopping aisle.  Or awkward silences in any environment.

Times when we clamour for the right thing to say or do when we encounter a person grieving a deep loss.  It’s that social awkwardness we have all faced — if we are honest.  This is because we don’t know how to manage that moment of a person before us grieving their loss, imagining that we must do or say something/anything to redeem or honour the moment.  

We don’t know how to communicate with someone who is enduring deep pain we cannot connect with.

The truth is, none of us when we are honest
knows how to master that kind of moment.

We feel betwixt and between, as if doing something or not doing something will both be wrong.  We feel paralysed for a response.  It is all because we care.  It isn’t because we don’t care.  It’s so often we fail in giving care because we are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing, whether saying or doing the wrong thing is even the thing.  The thing is, we care. 

Because we care, we may appear not to care.

Many times in life we are challenged by emotions we don’t know what to do with.  Or how to deal with them.  

It isn’t a sin to care that much that we don’t know how to show it.  Being able to show we care does not necessarily mean we care more.  It just means we bear more competence and confidence in the realm of the grieving.  

My life has taught me that experiencing and facing the pain of one’s grief has been the best teacher for understanding another’s grief.  It isn’t a person’s fault if they haven’t experienced what another person has experienced: the rawness of facing a grief that cannot be denied.  

Grief teaches that there are NO words,
there is only presence.  

Through presence there are words and actions that help — few words and meaningful actions.  Being comfortable when a thing cannot be fixed.  Knowing that the ‘fix’ is in simply being present and perhaps doing something useful that is welcomed.

In awkward situations, we don’t need to do or say anything.  We understand and accept this the moment we face that there are no words to placate a person or situation.  

This is how we show we care:
we face the unspeakable reality
with the grieving person encountered.  

We don’t try to deny their reality.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice,
mourn with those who mourn.”

ROMANS 12:15

It all takes time

Whenever we track back in our lives and reflect over what’s happened to us, we may be amazed at the things we worried about that ended up working out.  

It just took a little time.
At the time it seems like forever,
but afterwards it doesn’t seem as long. 

Life can seem overwhelming.  Do you notice that if you have more than about 6-7 concerns you feel overwhelmed?  This is because the human mind can’t take any more than 6-7 things.  This is where a checklist comes in handy.  Get it onto a page and forget about those worries, tasks, and concerns. 

Psychologically, most of us stress about things beyond our control, yet when we simply focus on what is in front of us, and being ready for that, and simply doing our best, stress ebbs away.

With grief and adjustment and change, it all takes time.

If only we have the patience to let go of the concern we can’t resolve, we prosper.  We look into a mirror and mouth the words, “I cannot control this, I cannot bring it to pass any quicker or better…”  That kind of acceptance helps.

Promotions in our career take time. 
Savings take time.  Paying off the car/home takes time.
Our emotions take time to settle when we’re upset. 
Things we ordered are at times delayed. 
All these things are beyond our control. 
There are so many things outside our control. 
Stressing about them has only a negative impact.

In the moment of overwhelm it’s freeing to simply pull away and get ten minutes to breathe, to look at the sky, to take a shower, to sit and read something, and then to breathe… slowly.  

If it’s hard to ‘park’ the anxious thought, we simply must ask ourselves, “How much control do I have here?”  Reminding ourselves of the power we have to let go is a practice of wisdom. 

I know this seems easier in theory than in practice, but the truth is practice is what makes the difference.  We cannot attain any sense of mastery over the concepts of anxiety and control without entering that arena.

There is wisdom in accepting that all change, all adjustment, all of life for that matter, including travelling through grief, involves accepting that it all takes time.  To know this and to learn to relax and enjoy the moment, no matter how hard that sounds, is helpful.  

It’s the common lot of humanity
to struggle through this.  

You are not alone, and you are not
the only one who struggles in this way.

Learning to stay with what we can personally control is wisdom.  It means letting go of the many things we worry about and coming back into what’s in our domain.  There is no shortcut to learning these things, and each of us finds different ways work best for them.  

Counsellors, psychologists, pastors, chaplains et cetera can certainly help us negotiate our way through, but in the end we all have agency for learning and power through finding what works for us.

It all takes time.  Nobody is expected to master their mental, emotional, and spiritual health journey.  With time, a growing sense of mastery comes without ever mastering it.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from helpers and mentors when I was at my depths was simply to go gently with myself.  The Desiderata poem was key for me twenty years ago when I was enduring much brokenness.  That, and one Bible verse (among many): Galatians 6:9, which says, “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.”

We never reconcile that suffering
teaches us patience.  But it does.

Suffering teaches us empathy and humility as well, but in this context, suffering teaches us to be patient when we cannot change our circumstances.  

Courage in the Experience of Struggle

One of the most inspiring things I experience is spending time with those in deep struggle.  It is inspiring because in deep struggle people exemplify immense courage.

Having experienced my share of struggle (mainly, to this point, 20 to 2 years ago) I have observed within my own experience what it TAKES to live certain phases of life. 

Struggles define us our courageous. 

To struggle is the essence of courage, 

because there is no escape, no option, 

but to struggle yet keep stepping. 

Whether we prosper in our struggle or we are confounded by it matters little about the inherent courage we display.  Yet it’s cruel to think that in our deepest struggle we are often the last person to see how courageous we’re being. 

The very purpose of this article 

is to encourage the discouraged.  

The very presence of discouragement 

is evidence enough of your courage. 

As I search back in the distant past to the times I’ve struggled most, I always thank that younger version of myself for sticking at it and not giving up.  Even when I did give up for a day or two or longer, I didn’t give up in the ultimate sense. 

The same holds for you.  You have endured many hardships with great courage.  Look back and discover how courageous you were.  Or if you are younger and struggle is new to you, imagine the courage you’re showing now and imagine how thankful you will be in future times when life is not so bleak. 

When we can see what we’ve been through, and can appreciate the courage we’ve displayed, we attain a deeper appreciation for our depth of character. 

Especially in your struggle you are an inspiration. 

Personal power in the circle of control

Staying within the limits of our personal control is an eternal struggle for most people.  Who am I kidding?  The fact is we ALL struggle with it.  We would all like to have more personal control over the finer details in our lives.  If we are honest.

There is no greater cause of misery in this world
than our inability to control all the factors of our lives
that are out of our control.

This is the main cause of
most of the anxiety we suffer.

Of course, Jesus himself taught on this principle in the Sermon on the Mount.  Words to this effect: “Do not worry about your life… do not worry about tomorrow… today has enough trouble.”

The whole principle of life is based on accepting things we cannot change and changing the things we can.  But the former is harder than the latter.  The procrastinator struggles with the latter, but everyone struggles to accept the things they cannot change.  Accepting the things we cannot change is a challenge to our control but changing the things we can is an opportunity within our control.  There is a vast difference between the two.

Within life, there are three circles,
the circle of concern,
the circle of influence, and
the circle of control. 

There are any number of things we are concerned about, but cannot influence, just as there are many things we can influence, but cannot control.

There is wisdom, that is applied intelligence,
in staying within the circle of control.

All of this is summed up in the psychological theory called the internal locus of control.  That is, those who stay within their control exercise greater capacity for joy, hope, peace, and personal empowerment.  

Whereas those who endeavour
to control that which is beyond their grasp
enter a futility that must end in frustration.

When we play the blame game, we enter this futility, just as we do when we allow bitterness to fester and blur into unforgiveness.

When we insist we have life a certain way, or we demand a situation be different, we live in the external locus of control. 

When we allow unrealistic expectations to reign unchecked we set ourselves up for a pedigree of disappointment.

We lose all the power available to us because we are preferring to kick and stamp and scream about things we have no influence or control over.  We become miserable and that energy extends into the lives of those we touch.  It makes no sense and there’s no life in it, only death — death to hope, to peace, to joy.

When we live beyond our control, we exert a power that is not even ours.  We pretend we can exert a control we don’t have.  As we read these words, we sense the madness we engage in.

We certainly can forgive ourselves for losing our discipline.  But as soon as we recognise that we’ve lost our focus on staying within our control, we can choose to “let it go”.

Life is simpler than we think. 
Humility helps us to accept our limits.

Adversity teaches the kindness of empathy

One thing that never surprises me about human life is our universal need of the kindness of empathy.  Unfortunately, we often find our need of this at the end of a long season of suffering that seemed to come from nowhere and seemed to have no purpose when we were in it.  After the suffering is gone, however, we can perhaps see its purpose.

We suffer injustice to have our 
eyes opened to injustice’s possibilities.

Suffering awakens us 
to the perils in human life.

Nothing teaches us empathy like 
our own need of that form of kindness.

THE GOAL OUTBOUND OF THE SADDEST REALITY

Misfortune, misadventure, betrayal, grief, and mental health conundrums are the domain of us all at some point or other.  Those who think these maladies occur only in other’s lives are more bewildered than they ought to be, but life experience teaches us the basic lesson: Y.E.T.—YOU’RE ELIGIBLE, TOO!

None of us get a ‘gold pass of peace’ through our entire life.

Bad things don’t just happen to bad people.  Bad things happen to us all, and it can be the most indiscriminate event that ushers in a world of intolerable pain. 

Simply put, the saddest reality of all is that we will all suffer deep grief when we least expect it, perhaps when it’s least deserved, and we will be blindsided in the event.  

What could possibly be the goal of such tyranny 
against a person simply going about their life?

The goal is not so much about teaching us something, unless it is about teaching us that humanity has a universal need of empathy.  Empathy is a kindness we must learn is something irreplaceable in our own moment of perishing need.  

There’s no better way of learning other people’s need 
of empathy than through our own need of it.

Especially as we experience it through others at our time of greatest need.  And there are also times when others lack empathy, and we learn from their example what NOT to do for others in times of their present and future need.

WE GIVE WHAT WE RECEIVE

Why do people love and hate, or behave in any way, particularly?  

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains the psychological phenomenon of reciprocity.  If we give the kindness of empathy that same kindness is often passed forward.  But if we treat people unfairly, when they are going through trials and hardships, they will always respond in inappropriate ways.

It is ridiculous to ‘test’ people’s character 
when they’re enduring suffering.  

It is not only unkind and unnecessary, 
it can never be good for them.

Some of the hardest lessons I have ever learned were through people’s cold responses to me when they could have been empathetic and weren’t.  Some of the worst of these experiences occurred in Christian and church settings.  These experiences have taught me a valuable lesson, however.  I am thankful for them now.

They taught me that these evils are possible.  

They taught me that there is no substitute 
for fairness when life is being unfair.

The best fairness when life is unfair 
is to experience the kindness of empathy.

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains in a universal way how we respond as human beings in the face of adversity.  None of us is much different from another in terms of our visceral response to our own suffering, or the suffering of others we love and care for.  

When we need care, 
we see the need of it, and 
we respond well in the face of care.

Our own suffering teaches us like a mirror, “I needed the kindness of empathy so bad that it is now etched in my psyche—I will treat others with a care I know they need, because I needed it!”

There you go: an objective goal 
AND purpose in suffering.

In facing the demise of our own wellbeing, we see the potential for life to trend south so much that we lose all hope.  In the most lamentable of all human experiences we are connected more intimately with our own deepest needs, and hence we are connected to the universal human need—we LEARN the kindness of empathy.

Can suffering be good?  Yes, it can. 

As we learn the care we need from others, 
—through either their empathy or lack thereof—
we deliver on these needs toward others
if we have learned anything at all.

The kindness of empathy extended 
to another is acquisition of a care 
we learned out of our own suffering.

SIDE NOTE: this night 20 years ago, 4 October 2003, I was so very close to ending my life.  I am so very glad I didn’t.  If this is you today, please reach out for help!

Times of adversity call for an audacious faith

With news of climate catastrophe, imminent economic peril, the threat of another pandemic, and impending global conflict, among other cataclysmic issues that would elevate our anxiety, we have the trouble and dysfunction in our normal everyday lives, then crises within our own existential being that can easily prove overwhelming.

We are living in difficult days, and it is only those with their head in the sand who might disagree.  It is paradoxical that we live in one of the most decadent ages.  Yet, the rich have never been richer and the poorer have never been so poor.  We might suspect that society hides these facts from our eyes.

Never more important is it to live with faith 
that sees us through the worst of our times.

Times of adversity call for an audacious faith.  A faith where we look adversity in its face and have the audacity to live with joy, an impenetrable hope, and a comprehensive peace.  

Never pretending that the difficulties of life don’t exist, 
we overcome then through faith that says, “Let’s go!”

Such a faith refuses to believe in a reality that seems on all levels of reckoning to be overwhelming, preferring to borrow forth a future-state-perception of eventual victory, and in that, a way to keep moving forward through hell via an indefatigable faith. 

Borrowing forth a future-state-perception 
is recognising the hope foisted before us.

This is the hope we all need to survive, 
that gives us belief we can thrive.

With a head buried in the concerns of the day, juggling many impossibilities that seem relentless, our hearts are easily discouraged as we face the perils of burnout and disconsolation. 

A mindset dogged by irrepressible cognitions of ultimate doom might seem far-fetched, but so many people actually experience this inner reality.  We don’t hear this very often because those who suffer these irrepressible cognitions usually feel too alone to realise there could be others out there who suffer just like they do.

If you’re enduring adversity right now, you are not alone!

First it’s about acknowledging at truth just how hard the present circumstances are.  There is no drink or drug that can bring us happiness.  The only happiness possible may be a way ahead.  The way there is through faith.  And it is hope for a better future that keeps us stepping by faith.

Audacious faith fuelled by hope negotiates adversity.

Audacious faith refuses to give up, it keeps going.

~

“Do not grow weary in doing good, 
for at the proper time you will reap 
a harvest of blessing if you do not give up.”
GALATIANS 6:9

~

The image shown below/above is what I saw on the evening of September 22, 2003—and I was utterly broken, and it was only the commencement of my personal, private hell.  This photo was taken 10 years later when my life was better, but I was literally only halfway through my personal, private hell.  20 years later I stand vindicated by my audacious faith through many years of adversity.  Think of your faith journey.  If you’re not all the way through your personal hell, keep going.  Heaven awaits.  And audacious faith is the way there.

What helps when we are NOT okay?

In Australia, at least, it is RUOK? Day today.  The whole principle behind the day and all it stands for is that it is okay to not be okay.  It is a wonderful theory, and so much good comes from it, but the ultimate test is does it work in real life? 

When the rubber hits the road in conflict especially, or when the paralysing reality of loss strikes, when there are no words, or there’s no understanding, or when trauma triggers are destructive, it’s very hard to reserve judgement and not become frustrated or overwhelmed by those around us in their struggles. 

Sometimes our ‘care’ has a use-by date, and because we are all human, we all enter some form of overwhelm, and the carers overwhelm is they can feel like they exist simply to care, and they may miss out on the same care they give.  In fact, that is sadly very often the case.

We ought to be thankful for 
carers of all kinds in our lives.

These are the persons who ‘show up’ consistently and faithfully, delivering a trustworthy care.  How often might one of these be asked, are you really okay?  And how often do they feel they have the space to be really honest?  A lot of the time it depends on who’s asking, but if you’re a carer, chances are the person who is asking is less of a carer, and the carer doesn’t trust themselves into an inferior care—they might simply crack on.

I would hazard a guess and say that if you’re reading this, you’re probably the carer.  And you might lament the fact that whilst your care is very much appreciated, it doesn’t always make up for the fact that you can’t access the care that you would love.  But, of course, this is where a good psychologist or counsellor or psychotherapist fits in.  Indeed, a good psychologist or counsellor or psychotherapist is worth more than their weight in gold.  Then think of the supreme value of a good listening friend!

The biggest issue in this life is the overwhelm we experience just trying to keep up.  And it’s far too simplistic to criticise people for approaching or entering burnout. 

Whilst we typically feel alone in our burnout, 
we suffer in a community of sufferers.

Avoiding burnout isn’t as simple as saying ‘no’ more.  Avoiding burnout isn’t as simple as not pleasing people, because the demands of the modern life are often beyond our seeking of approval from others. 

I know hundreds of fire and emergency services volunteers and these people don’t volunteer to people-please.  They have a community that needs them.  They have answered that call.  And I know so many who have devoted their working lives to being professionals in the area notwithstanding the significant risks they are exposed to as they undertake their work.  They have a community that needs them.  They have answered that call. 

The real test of RUOK? Day is whether 
we are allowed to NOT be okay.

The truth is, community heals us, 
and more often than not it’s all we need.

I can tell you in just the last few weeks, there was a moment when a colleague reached out and gave me a teary hug oozing with empathy.  It was all I needed in the overwhelm of the moment.  Her teary hug softened my anxious heart.  It connected me back to my humanity. 

Another time, it was another colleague, simply speaking in a calmer voice.  I got to reflect over my anxiety, and went back to thank that colleague.  Another colleague has simply looked me in the eye and said are you okay?  I had to admit that I wasn’t.  Half an hour later, when the pressure had died down, I reached out and thanked him for his courage to ask sincerely, for he had shown love.  “No worries, mate, I’ll hit you up next time!” he said with a wink.  And just now our chaplain, a person I’m so blessed to support as his manager has reached out, and in his normal way, a few texts later, I feel revived. 

The community will heal us if we will let it, if we will let it in, if we will let our colleagues, those caring ones, in by dropping our guard.  

We need each other, 
but we must trust each other.