Self-Improvement Goals – Why a “Dedication to Truth” Is So Important

One of the commonest things known to humankind is the broken resolve. The plain truth regarding our self-improvement goals is we’re defeated or victorious at the level of the mind. The will is the all-important device acting for the heart as we progress toward achieving our goals. Yet, it’s the heart (generating moral drive) that informs the will.

The fact of a ‘dedication to truth’ as a pillar of walking life’s narrow way of true success is attributable to M. Scott Peck of The Road Less Traveled fame. So, it’s no secret that when we dedicate ourselves to truth we can live far more successfully, but it’s got to be acknowledged—it’s the opposite way to the world. We find ourselves few friends here.

Truth is a lonely journey. If we can accept this, we can achieve all our goals. Let me illustrate further.

My method of self-improvement is primarily through goal-setting toward habit renewal. The longer I can master a pure habit (to replace an old bad habit) the better my chances of eventual success.

My particular approach—the one that works best for me—is the one-day-at-a-time approach where I make a mark in each day, counting each day of successful incorporation of the idea of the goal. I make this mark in my diary as a mini-success.

Yet, I’ve noticed something that is so relevant to my human nature: my passion toward the goal wanes and the effectiveness of my intensity drops... I, at times... many times, have dropped the ball and gone back to the old habit. Diet is the main area I struggle with in this way. (The mind’s approach to giving up smoking, drinking and all other bad habits and most addictions shares the same pathology.)

But, then it dawned on me, if I’m dedicated to truth and I’m training myself in living truthfully (even/especially even in the small things) I can do this thing with the exposed will, never compromising, not one little bit. We have to be honest with ourselves—even at the level of our awareness.

The mind’s a tricky thing. It has such power at the starting blocks. Then as the race winds on, we get a little comfy, and our minds tell us it would be okay to compromise... but, using the heart-strength commitment to truth we can bolster the waning will.

© S. J. Wickham, 2009.

Four Priorities of First Aid

We never know when we’ll need to save someone’s life. I’ve just completed my tenth first aid course (or there abouts) and things keep changing and improving regarding casualty management. Having once served in emergency response teams, but now no longer, my skills don’t quite have to be honed as they used to be, but what a vital life skill first aid is. A Senior First Aid course should be a prerequisite for all parents and other authority-figures in life.

These are four priorities in first aid, beyond checking for DANGER:

ONE: Breathing

Maintaining an airway and sustaining breathing is vital to life. If we stop breathing, soon enough our heart stops as we starve our bodies and brains of oxygen. Too many people still die in car accidents for the simple want of an open airway. This is achieved simply by tilting the head back, freeing the tongue from its resting position against the back of the throat.

Rescue breathing for the first aider is a vital skill, along with cardiac compressions. Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation is critical where the heart has stopped; we do it for as long as we can, or until help arrives.

TWO: Bleeding

The next thing to attend to after breathing is established is to ‘plug the leaks.’ Applying pressure with clean cloth and bandaging at the sites of the casualty’s bleeding is the first step. Amputated body parts need to be wrapped in clean cloth, put in a sealable (if possible) plastic bag and then placed in icy water to preserve and promote tissue health for later re-attachment.

THREE: Burns

Burns, like the previous two, can be life-threatening. Burns, of course, don’t just affect the skin, and they’re not simply caused by heat—the respiratory tract can be burned when inhaling hot gases and chemicals can cause deadly burns. And electricity also causes serious burns, burning the casualty on the inside. Burns are also caused by exposure to extreme cold.

FOUR: Bones

Not many people have ever died from a broken bone; that’s why this incredibly painful condition is the fourth priority. But treating broken bones properly aids the casualty’s comfort and may even prevent shock.

DRABCD

Anything said on first aid would be devoid of worth if it didn’t contain reference to DRABCD. If you don’t know what DRABCD is about, then it’s time you booked yourself into a first aid course! Do it now whilst you’re thinking about it and commit to maintaining your skills.

Why should we realise we needed to know how to save a life until it’s too late?

DISCLAIMER: Reading this article is no substitute for not doing your own first aid course. And it should also be said that learning first aid is no guarantee of success—lives are not always saved—but it’s an important start.

One Dead Day - The End of One Life, the Beginning of Another

Imagine waking up one morning, on any given day, and realising you’re now merely spirit—you have no physical body left at your personal disposal; that is, you somehow died during your sleep. Everything feels quite normal but somehow everything has changed. You wake up to the thought that, despite your new state, today is the busiest of days (or would have been)—in fact, you’ve long not looked forward to it, but now you shriek at the thought of not being available. ‘How will they survive without me?!’ you think.

Everyone in your world notices you’re missing, of course, and they’re asking, ‘Where is [your name]?’ It inconveniences some. Others are plain upset. Others, yet again, are not fazed in the slightest that you’re not there. The plain truth is life goes on. And it will.

But, wait, there’s more, a whole lot more. You might get up, in this new ‘spiritual state’ and take a helicopter view of your life as it currently is. It seems your death, bizarrely, is only for one day. The fact you’re dead for one day gets you thinking. You’ve got 24 hours breathing space. ‘Why is it like this?’ you might think. Is there a purpose to it… and, yes, there is, possibly.

“You might’s”:

• You might re-assess what your life’s been about. You might assess what your life is currently about. That might provide clues as to why you, of all people, gets to experience death for one day.
• You might become surprised to learn some things about yourself; perhaps some things that you’ve rejected or put to one side… maybe some things you’re currently in denial about. Perhaps the helicopter view gives you some special insights as to how the rest of the world, or particular individuals, view(s) you. Perhaps you’re startled by what you see or are shown.
• You might also be liberated by some things. There’s relief. You see some of the rightness of your decisions and actions. It relieves some of the ill founded guilt you’ve been feeling.
• You might have resolved, on your new found viewpoint, to change some things. You choose to stop some things. Some things you hadn’t thought of you choose to start doing. Some things you might increase and some you might decrease. Your sense of values and priorities may be somehow re-shaped and hence re-aligned.
• You might at last have sufficient motivation and resolve to make the needed changes in your life stick.
• You might finally live from the aspect of eternity—which is truly the only aspect of worth and relevance in this life. You might’ve searched for the meaning to life yet always seemed to have missed it, until now.

If you resonate with this so far... consider something.

You can experience one dead day. Go on, I challenge you; bow out to life on your busiest possible day. Do it only once. Go A.W.O.L. See what happens. There are safe ways of doing this. You never know, it might be just the impetus you need to re-discover that thing in you—that purpose for living or whatever else—that has of itself gone A.W.O.L.

Have that day of reflection-from-the-perspective-of-death now before you die. Have the remorse and regret now while you have the chance to make it right before you die.

Not Getting in the Way of Progress

“The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world is the highest applause” -Ralph Waldo Emerson.

This saying simply means this: those treasured most by the industrious people of the world are those who’ll applaud their actions most by simply helping or stepping out of the way. The loudest support is ironically from the person making the least amount of fuss when it comes to cooperating with progress.

And we all have a role in this very simple undertaking. To recognise a good thing for what it is and simply allow it to happen (if that’s the flow of things) and even facilitate same if there’s the slightest opportunity.

Yet, we can build barriers to progress even in our wholehearted support—when it’s just noise at the end of the day you have to wonder the meaning of action that has no designed merit about it.

Some people, however, hate merit. They hate the fact that some people are bent on making the world better simply by doing what they can do. We find these people working mainly in the bureaucracies where they may simply hide when work’s to be done, only then to reappear vociferously when progress threatens to move.

It’s like the person who insists on beating their chest whenever ‘the new thing’ is mooted. They see an opportunity to affect destiny in an outspoken way either positively or negatively and make some sort of name for themselves in that new thing. I believe that’s called ‘jumping on the bandwagon.’

Imagine the wonder, though, in a highly praiseworthy action that is so simple to do it requires no action; in a word, inaction. The silence that keeps the lid of bureaucracy tightly in place is the friend to action in this urgent world we live in; not dodgy action, but good efficacious action that means positive results.

© S. J. Wickham, 2009.

Courage – Individualisation and Transcendence

COURAGE AND INDIVIDUALISATION...

The courage to be as oneself is the courage to follow reason and to DEFY irrational authority.

The courage to be oneself… is the courage to affirm oneself as a bridge from a lower to a higher state of rationality.

(A benefit of courage to be oneself is one can operate at a higher state of rationality!)

The courage to be as oneself has the character of the self-affirmation of the individual self in spite of the elements of non-being threatening it.[1]

The individual with courage to be can stand tragedy and death in “heroic affect” and have still a love for the universe which he or she mirrors.

The courage to take the anxiety of the demonic upon him or her self in spite of destructive and often despairing character is the form in which the anxiety of guilt was conquered.

The courage to take the anxiety of guilt upon oneself has become the courage to affirm the demonic trends within oneself.

(That is the internal agreement that evil exists and the humility to drive courage in dealing with it.)

COURAGE AND TRANSCENDENCE...

Courage is the self-affirmation of being in spite of the fact of non-being. It is the act of the individual self in taking the anxiety of non-being upon itself by affirming itself either as part of an embracing whole or in its individual selfhood.

Courage needs the power of being, a power transcending the non-being which is:

Experienced in the anxiety of fate and death,

- which is -

Present in the anxiety of emptiness and meaninglessness,

- and which is -

Effective in the anxiety of guilt and condemnation.

The courage which takes this threefold anxiety into itself must be rooted in a power of being that is greater than the power of oneself and the power of one’s world.

INDUCTIVE FACT

Every courage to be has openly or covertly a religious (or spiritual) root.

CONCLUSION

The courage to take the anxiety of meaninglessness upon oneself is the boundary line up to which the courage to be can go.

Beyond it is mere non-being.

Source Reference: Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be (London, England: Nisbet & Co., Ltd, 1952).

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[1] As in, for example, anxiety... “Anxiety is a state in which a being is aware of its possible non-being.”

A Good Place: “Enjoying What You Have To Do”

Most people wonder how to have a fulfilling, satisfying life. They might dream about, and chase, the elusive life of riches or relative fame, always potentially missing what is right under their noses. The thing of real fulfilment—right now—is enjoying the thing you must do. That is, choosing to enjoy it by finding the joy of “doing” in that everyday thing.

When we’re honest with ourselves we’re far more interested and adept at wasting time on the things we find pleasure in but that don’t deliver much, if any, value to our or others’ lives. There’s a hint of escapism in this. The game time. The television time. The window shopping time. The time spent talking about nothing issues either at work or during non-work time. This list is not exhaustive.

Procrastination is the name of this basic game and it only serves to further frustrate us at levels of our consciousness we’re hardly even aware of.

It’s like an “irreconcilable difference” we have within ourselves. And we’re determined to never admit to it, or if we do we often don’t have the resolve to make it right.

Well, that’s the problem, what about the solution?

Harry S. Truman once said, “I found that the men and women who got to the top were those who did the jobs they had at hand, with everything they had of energy and enthusiasm and hard work.”

It seems so simple.

The truth is it takes several months to several years to form positive life-giving habits from the backdrop of these habits of procrastination—but we have to start somewhere. And if we start and continue we will surely get there!

When we consider that all along all we need, really, is to redefine what we’re about and then learn to enjoy it, the indifference we feel is resolvable. Suddenly life makes more sense.

I’ve said before, one of the most pleasurable activities can be washing dishes or ironing. We can get a buzz from ticking good items off the list. These activities, like homework when we were at school, once done, give us options at “time off” where we earn time to do what we really enjoy.

It doesn’t get any more complicated that choice. Making the choice to do the thing that needs doing before we consider the nice thing to do creates in us power—true power over ourselves.

Suddenly we grasp for the first time the front door and ignition keys of our lives.

Happy Father’s Day – Father’s Role to “Accept their Children”

It’s Father’s Day—at least in Australia. That concept brings with it an enormity of different responses from joy and wanting to ‘be with dad,’ to a wanting to forget about the whole thing as it brings up painful memories. But what does it mean to be a father? To be a real father, I mean. I heard a resounding message this morning that every single person who’s ever had a father or parent (yes, that’s basically all of us) can surely identify with.

Our goal as parents is to bring up our children to become mature; people with character and a good heart. That’s ‘the parenting idea.’ The simple way of achieving this is via unconditional acceptance—of all people our children will know they must always find a safe haven with us, their parent(s). That safe haven is knowing they’ll be accepted whatever might come and whatever they do.

If kids experience acceptance, particularly of their own father or parents, they naturally find the ability to accept themselves. Where kids (and even adult children) don’t have the universal acceptance of a father or parent there is always the thought of needing to seek the approval of that parent. When interacting, there’s a holding back of true disclosure and a barrier to real rapport.

The flipside to unconditional acceptance, of course, is, as a parent, allowing our children to suffer and learn from their own mistakes—the natural and logical consequences of their behaviour i.e. without being “rescued” by mum or dad.

Allowing the natural consequences to play themselves out is allowing our kids to fail and then pay for their mistakes. That’s restitution. The logical consequences are about the chosen disobedience of natural laws—obedience to the law brings life, opportunity and relative freedom; disobedience carries with it a cutting off of options and opportunities. And both natural and logical consequences connect up producing a sense of doom serving to propound the lesson for those who choose to learn.

Kids learn best when they can personalise their errors. Think about this: when did we learn best? I learned the deepest and hardest lessons from my own silly, narrow-minded will and ignorant lack of knowledge manifest in foolish action. I think we all learn best in these circumstances as we observe life ‘going wrong,’ setting about to make amends for the future.

Putting both acceptance and consequences together reveals a balanced true love with the goal firmly in the front of our minds of assisting our children mature into functional, well-adjusted adults. All our attitudes, motivations and actions need to come from this balanced base. Over these two, however, a sense of grace underpins all our success.

Finally, most if not all of our parenting—particularly in the teen years—stems from the relational rapport we have with our kids. We cannot enforce any sense of rules without first having a solid, accepting relational basis. “Rules without relationship will result in rebellion.”

My indebted thanks to local pastor, Hans Van Asselt—who reminded me regarding these truths of acceptance.

Why Be Stressed, Pre-occupied, Fearful? Just Be Present!

Being in the lion’s pit of life is interesting at times, isn’t it? This is real tongue-in-cheek stuff. One day or even one afternoon can present so many opportunities to become waylaid with worries, fears and anxieties… enough to last the rest of the day, and into the next, easy!

But, this is where control over our troubled mind and our mental processes can come to our rescue.

Recently, I had the privilege of reading an extraordinary piece of wisdom titled, “Practicing awareness in everyday life.”[1] It’s all about the subject of awareness; the skill of staying in the present. The author says it’s the most important skill that we could acquire.

The issue is about how much of our awake time we spend partially or completely distracted from our present activities, because we’re focused on the past or future--“neither of which exist.”

As we experience life, there are so many things that have just gone or are about to hit us that consume our ordinary thinking. This leaves us drained of the attention we could place in the present. No wonder we struggle to listen to people properly half the time.

This subject is all about staying ‘in the truth.’ It’s about sticking with our senses and what they tell us to feel, in the moment. We’re told to focus, particularly around decision-making, on what we’re actually thinking, feeling, saying and doing--that is, we need to be intimately aware of ourselves.

Even simple tasks such as brushing our teeth should require all our ‘manual’ attention. The objective here is to train the mind to think manually, and resist our preponderance to go into mental autopilot. We should “practise awareness until we can operate ‘automatically on manual’, so we can choose to ‘manually go to automatic’.”

What this means is once we’re trained to be aware at will, we then have the ability to become more competent over our attitudes; we become ‘attitudinally competent.’ We can then screen out the unhelpful emotional distractions, scheduling our focus on these for times when we wish to deliberately reflect on the past and plan for the future. We effectively hold the moment (emotionally) and deal with it at a predetermined time later.

We should become adept at being a silent observer of ourselves, being attuned to our thoughts, feelings, words and actions. There is no more basic a goal for a person to have than to become self-aware, and that continually so.

We must resist allowing our minds to wander and meander in undisciplined ways; sure, when we watch a movie and want to relax, a free mind is fine; but truly, do we think an unfocused mind dribbling through the immediate past or near future is helpful? It can’t possibly be and the “running of ‘old part-fiction movies’ is insanity.”

Reflection and planning must be restricted to “fully truthful” aspects. We need to determine what truth there is, sifting out the innuendo and assumptions.

So, let’s get to work on not being pre-occupied mentally and simply stay in the moment practicing awareness. Even during so-called stressful times, we’ll benefit from the fresh perspective and strength that comes as a result.

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[1] Daniel Kehoe, You Lead, They’ll Follow: How to inspire, lead and manage people. Really. Vol. 3 (North Ryde, NSW: McGraw-Hill Australia, 2004), p. 74-75. All quotations in this article come from these two pages of the book. Daniel Kehoe acknowledges the contributor, David Deane-Spread, as the author of this particular article. All quotations herein are from the source article referenced. More on David Deane-Spread at http://www.daviddeane-spread.com/

Marked for Success Through the Power of Love

It’s funny the habits we get into… when meeting a long lost friend for breakfast recently I arrived at his house and we took my car. I did what I normally do, not having a car with central locking, I opened his door for him (like I do for my wife). It wasn’t until we returned to the car from our breakfast—me repeating the opening of the door gesture—that he gently and humorously informed me that it wasn’t necessary that I do that from now on… we laughed aloud!

Friendship. That sort of moment will be a sort of flux the binds us together in a ‘blokey’ sort of way from now on as we get that internal grin happening within us in re-capturing the essence of that moment. How human we are!

And this is a fact. Whilst we are destined for a life alone—as we enter life and leave it—we’re also destined to journey, in and out, with people.

There is a glue that binds us in our successes; it also is relevant to our failures but not in a binding way. The glue is love. It’s the way of life where we live both alone and with friends. We’re marked by love whether we like it or not. As my dear friend would put it, ‘We’re locked in.’ And it’s no cheap blow. It’s a lasting mark on every human being.

Success and love are linked so intrinsically it’s not funny. If we wish for success yet do not love we defeat the process before it has begun. And love is this: self-love and love of others, and for many, love further unto a Higher Power.

The way I see self-love is not the way it sounds. It’s the love that comes from being brutally, yet gracefully honest with ourselves and our (many) genuine shortcomings. No matter who we are, we’re all riddled with flaws. Loving ourselves means being able to accept this, warts and all, and being able to see hope despite it—no short order there!

Love of self needs to come before (genuine) love of others is possible. Loving others is having an innate, authentic, meaningful desire to serve them i.e. humility of presence as we interact.

Love like this equals success. We finally find that we’ve had entirely different perceptions as to the true meaning of success all along. Success starts as a little kernel of love. But then it snowballs, gathering a smooth and unstoppable momentum the longer time goes on.

And the love of a true friend is like this. It reveals a true pliable self-love. Again, it is the mark of true and lasting success. From this platform all other successes come.

It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over – But Remember, Failure Is Gold!

Marcos Ambrose is the hero of every Australian following motor sport in the American NASCAR Championship. It came as startling news to see him lose the lead on the final corner of a Nationwide Series race at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, Montreal. He was naturally devastated having run until then an impeccable race. It illustrates an important life lesson—it’s not over until it’s actually over.

Likewise, many people having brilliantly negotiated their first thirty or forty years experience the same thing. Yet, instead of being pipped at the post like Ambrose was their grip on life slips at a point when they were supposed to be able to relax and enjoy life’s benefits most.

This happens to so many who’ve been wildly successful in their younger years. It’s a difficult thing to sustain. We run the perfect race and are blessed so much. And somehow—in the midst of the good life—we forget the true essence of life; that there’s a lot of suffering out there.

To lose a race like Ambrose did, even though it’s a bitter and instantly tormenting thing, is a valuable lesson—better than gold. There is much more to be learned in failure than in success.

And it’s the same thing for us when we’re tripped up along the journey of life. IF we’re cognisant of this... IF we’re brave enough... IF we have enough patience of faith... the ruination event that comes to crush our lives can actually be the absolute ‘making’ event of our lives.

Somehow this is inexplicable, yet there’s nothing truer. There’s a huge world out there beyond us and like 99 percent of it we don’t even see, let alone grasp.

For Marcos Ambrose and for us—the critical failure, the humping defeat, the disaster that is our lives at a given point—is the very reason for our newly expanded worldview. We don’t see it this side; it only appears in the light of faith.

Taste and you will see—it’s an enormous world out there. It awaits you as certainly as it awaited me and every other individual blessed with bodily life.

In Discipline, Watch Yourself

I’ve noticed that every time I make a resolution to change and improve something in my life my success is dependent to a large degree on my personal vigilance to stay on track. I must watch myself so I don’t give into the littlest of temptations. The moment I’m unaware, the wheels are likely to fall off. I’m sure you relate.

And I’ve had plenty of practise. Giving up or modifying my approach to junk food, smoking, drinking etc (i.e. ‘the usual suspects’)—all several times—I have finally learned the keys to success in changing habits. It’s no more complicated than good old-fashioned discipline.

Once we’re stopped it’s easy to stay stopped—provided we’re vigilant i.e. focused. It also makes it easier if we’re replacing the vice with some virtuous activity—smoking for exercise, for instance.

But this is why transforming ourselves and our habits is hard. Discipline is hard because it requires awareness first, yes, but then also a tenacity of will is required to stick with the plan we’ve committed to initially, despite the evidence of our own meek and weak hearts which want most to enjoy the ‘blessings’ i.e. those good things we enjoy too much, and the pleasures of life.

We forget the very reason we’re on this ‘trip of change’ to a new destination for—it was because we couldn’t control ourselves and as a result our health or wellbeing suffered. We either liked the good thing too much or fell for the vice.

Being watchful of ourselves is the key, but how do we implement this in the minutes of our lives? Well, going back into manual is one way. Like a drive motor start-up button, we select “manual” and don’t merely let our systems run on “auto.” We learn to think consciously in our moment-by-moment existence.

We get in touch with all our senses and we tap into them. We learn to be honest with ourselves and most of all we embrace the ability to do without.

Autonomy: Two Important Qualities Engendering It

What’s the number one thing that ticks most people off in their workplace, and broader, into their lives? It’s that thing that wrests control over our day-to-day. It’s a lack of real autonomy to do what we must and what we can do in our jobs and in our lives. When we feel constrained against the natural flow of things it eats away at our soul-strength.

In fact, the world of work is often only made bearable by the fact of its autonomous nature. When we don’t give this to people, or worse still if we take it away from them, we risk disenfranchising them completely and their performance suffers as a direct result, often affecting the overall objective—and certainly the mood of the organisation or part thereof.

I know in many ways the value of autonomy—to a great extent I’ve had it in my workplace environment for the better part of fifteen years or even longer. It’s that quality of time and space to ‘just do’ the work we’re engaged to do, and further to the discretionary, value-adding work we can do over and above our core responsibilities.

Autonomy in work (or of work) is a key to job satisfaction, but there are at least a couple of qualities that we, as workers or leaders, must have in order to warrant autonomy. We must be able to be trusted and also we must be able to be relied upon to produce the goods.

Trust

If we trust people why would we need to overly-supervise them? Micro-management is pesky nuisance in the workplace where people honestly go to work to do a good day’s work.

Reliability

If the quality and quantity of the work is generally good and there’s very little re-work, why would a person need to be constantly monitored? We’d know that a vast majority of the time they’ll be fine on their own, and they’ll probably seek help if and when it’s required anyway.

Autonomy is Necessary in Today’s World

Autonomous workers in the workplace are not only an advantage; they’re a basic necessity in the context of today’s ‘skinny’ organisational structures. There is a void of real supervision and today’s organisational environments really depend heavily on trusting their employees and stakeholders to interact effectively in executing objectives and achieving planned outcomes. Relying on reliable workers is a need, not a nice-to-have.

Thinking about managing people and autonomy: if the person in question can be trusted and is reliable let’s let them define their own style of management. The trick for the manager is discerning how to manage individual employees and teams according to this premise. But therein lies the need of a manager who’s emotionally intelligent enough to be able to realise this goal.

Micro-managers reveal one thing—their innate fear to release their power and control; this is positional power at its overt worst, to the negation of ‘softer,’ more people friendly means of leadership like personal influence, charisma and use of information power etc.

When we insist on our power over others we’re essentially very frightened human beings deep down. Good leaders are full of a quiet, assured faith. And this faith helps them note who can be trusted and relied upon. Then they leave them alone and just simply support them.

Enter servant leadership… an entirely separate discussion.

Why Teenagers Don’t Think Like We Do & What We Can Do About It

Most people will think it rather obvious to acknowledge the highly-conspicuous difference between adults and teens. But the fact is many parents do not cater very well for these differences. Instead they’ll occasionally or even often choose a ‘log-aheads’ approach—and that’s a method generally always destined for failure.

Teenagers straddle the divide between childhood and adulthood. It is both an awkward, horrible in-between time of relative periodic nothingness—a way-station—and a time of exhilarating experimentation, dabbling with both kid-stuff and adult-stuff. (We often look back with at least some fond memories of this time.)

With this ‘in-between time,’ together with the complex and unpredictable mix of rampant growth hormones and the under-developed brain also conspiring against them, no wonder they’ll occasionally (or often!) feel confused, desperate—and even at times deranged. (I mean, how many of us adults haven’t felt deranged from time to time?)

I received a word regarding my approach to parenting in the teen years. It is simply to ‘travel with’ my daughters as they approach, travel through, and eventually exit those crucial teen years. The passage of father (or mother) giving away their bride-to-be daughter is symbolic of the parent’s role. We travel with them through this part of life.

I once learned that the middle teen years (15-19 years) are not the worst. It’s the periods before and after that often present the most problems—these early and later periods are the key transition times.[1] But keeping them at ‘steady-state’ during the entire time is probably conditional—at least to some extent—on the following:

Teens, we know, have different sleeping, eating, working and resting patterns and habits as compared to us adults. We will seem to be totally opposed if we make endless comparisons. Comparisons are generally not helpful. The point is they’re not meant to be like us during this phase of their lives. This is both a psychological and biological truth. The quicker we can accept that the better it is for all of us (and not just the teen and us parents—the whole family benefits or suffers).

The key for the period during the turbulent teen years, especially if the right training’s gone in during the ages up to 12 years, is knowing when to go with the flow and when to intervene—with patience, wisdom and guile with our words, tone and body language.

We all get it wrong from time to time, but what is it that we’re characterised by? Our teen kids won’t pigeon-hole us if we make only the odd mistake. But if we issue no grace when they make a mistake we’re likely to end up with egg on our face. Whether we or they make mistakes both parties must be willing to make appropriate restitution. We must be consistent.

At the end of the day, it’s the mistakes we make and learn from that are going to be the making of us. We don’t learn everything by pure observation. Allowing the teen to make mistakes as part of a learning process is responsible parenting. And we must allow them to pay (again, fairly) for their mistakes in a nurturing, supportive environment.

We’re holding our teen kids up to the adult standard but not unfairly so. Our expectations are not high. We recognise they’ll fall short more often than not. We allow for it but we don’t excuse it.

We encourage them to get back on the horse recalling that we’re travelling with them on this arduous part of the journey. We’re their sponsor and coach. We always have their best interests at heart, not merely our own.

The ‘in-between time’ is time for training and progress, not perfection. It’s also a time to shore-up our relationships with them as we prepare for the eventual next phase of friendship with them as our adult children.

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[1] I refer to information presented through the wonderful teaching ministry of Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo—a course of study in early parenting, Let the Children Come Along the Virtuous Way: Growing Kids God’s Way (Happy Valley, South Australia: Growing Families Australia, 2002).

“Be Prepared,” Scout’s Honour

You’re trapped and immobile on a hillside some place resembling jungle and it’s starting to get cool. You knew you should have bought that personal EPIRB; it would make all the difference now. People are not expecting you back for another 24 hours, and worse, you’ve wandered from the known track some three kilometres, meaning any possible search is going to be hampered—they’ll not find you where they expect you.

This is a credible scenario. The trouble is it’s often not until we find ourselves in a situation like this that we think about what we actually need. Life is far too rushed or we’re far too focused on what we might miss out on as opposed to caring for our own protection.

If you don’t like hiking it could be any number of other activities that see you marooned. The possible list is bewildering from tsunami to attack to vehicle crash to near drowning and many more.

As a kid my parents had the wisdom to get me involved in the local Cub and Scout movement. It was there I learned about many good things including teamwork, initiative, work ethic and resourcefulness.

The motto, Be Prepared, is one that has not always stuck with me, but it bears constant consideration.

Imagine being in a place where you witness an accident. There’s blood everywhere and whether you’re trained or not you feel compelled to assist. By the end of it you’ve got blood on your hands—it’s even on your clothes. You also cut yourself on some of the broken glass. Later you find out the person you saved had Hepatitis B... a pair of disposable gloves could possibly have made all the difference.

Or imagine finding yourself suddenly around people with infectious influenza; a deadly strain. If you only had that disposable face mask.

Time’s now to do a little risk-assessing. It’s always time to stop and think before we commit to doing things. I know I need to do it more.

Life is a constant push for production. We tend not to think much about our own protection in the midst of progress. But, just think, the consequences could prove fatal some day!

Authenticity and Truth: Let the People Come (or Not)

People surround us in life whether we like that fact or not. There are some situations where we want people and some where we don’t want people. In those situations we do desire people we should let them come to us, never forcing the pace, or we might, by our actions scare them off. We see here that an unnatural forcing of the pace manufactures a set of circumstances that most people find unpalatable. Besides, it would prove worry to do this.

It’s all a question of balance. The most balanced person can live with or without people. People neither scare them nor does the lack of people intuit loneliness. These people ‘just are’ whether they’re with people or not.

And, surely, this is what we should be growing toward. Being people not only comfortable with people, but also alone must be the zenith of human ‘being’ on this planet, in this life.

Yet, we seem destined to swing from one extreme to the other. I certainly do. The are times when I can’t stand to be around people; others too when I don’t want to be alone. Of course, there are times when I’m happy either way too.

The quality that people find most endearing in a fellow human being is authenticity. If we can be ourselves around people they too can be themselves. We give them permission (funnily enough) to be themselves by virtue of how we interact with them, though some people are so strong within themselves, with ineradicably solid characters, they can simply be themselves no matter the baggage we might carry as we interact with them.

And we too could be like these people—so comfortable either with or without people. This is the free spirit. This is the way life was meant to be from the beginning. And it’s a life we can all have now, provided we’re happy to be developed.

And our development toward these ends will be helped by nothing more than a complete dedication to truth. We must get to a point where we’re not afraid of anything bar the wisdom constructs of the world and the universe, for these embody truth.

All our relationships will take a different and better slant when exposed to truth. Both the quality and the amount of (quality) friendships will increase.

The truth is, always has been, and always will be. It’s our beginning, middle and end. It’s ever reliable. Taste and you will see.