A Reluctant Counsellor

I dare say that anyone who has been a counsellor any length of time has not only done perhaps a power of good they have also done some harm.  

Yet, as displayed right in front of me every time I sit in my study, the Greek sentence, ektelo me blape (do no harm) reminds me of any good helper’s mandate.  

But having been a counsellor to over 50 couples, about 30 pre-marrieds, and lots of individuals, there have been a few times I learned later that I did harm.  I will face God on it one day.  None of these harms have been done with intent.  I think those I inadvertently harmed I’ve had the opportunity to reconcile with and to practice where appropriate the making of amends — committed as I am to the Twelve Steps.  

These days I’m a reluctant counsellor who goes out of my way to avoid counselling unless it’s in a church situation where as a pastor I’m asked to journey with someone to give pastoral counselling.  

It weighs on me that burden that I have placed on some others.  It would be very easy for me to say to God, “I disqualify myself.”  I’m aware that there are many times when I’ve been a blessing to people, but that’s how it’s meant to be; to do harm, for a person to feel harmed, is in my view reprehensible.  

I’ve been on the receiving end of poor therapy practice on at least one occasion.  Two issues that cropped up in that, the lack of skill of the person helping and a conflict of interest in the room.  On the whole I’ve used this experience to endeavour never to do that to anyone… but that is only one set of errors, I’ve made others.  

I’m fortunate these days to practice chaplaincy which is both therapeutic and by and large safe.  It involves my counselling skill set, but because it’s more slanted to a ministry of presence — I actually intentionally say much less — it’s safer and if anything I believe it has more efficacy.  I cannot commit to ongoing intensive pastoral care.  Thankfully most chaplaincy is not both ongoing and intensive.  

I’ll never regret the experiences I’ve had as a counsellor — many of which were both challenging and enlightening personally — and I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m thankful that I consider myself more a pastor and chaplain these days.  

The Heart of True Change

Only those serious about sustained change will prosper in reading this article.  It has nothing for anyone else.  Trouble is, we all reckon we’re serious about change — until the action starts.  

The heart of true change always comes from the heart, the right insight and motivation.  And true change is only possible when we admit we’re going wrong.  

Admitting we’re going wrong in any detail of our lives demonstrates an attitude of humility, but attitudes are useless — mere and genuine frustrations — without true commitment to action.  Motivation that fuels change occurs when we’re finally sick and tired about being sick and tired (living in a lie).  

Recently, I noticed a better chance of success for myself in an area I’d struggled with for many years.  I think my rates of success with change are about one-in-twenty.  Once in twenty times I get it right because the rest of the time I only have an attitude of humility about where I’m going wrong — my heart isn’t humble.  The problem is true motivation — which is always about the true heart behind change.  

When we don’t truly believe we are going wrong, we aren’t truly motivated to change.  We may think we believe we’re going wrong but we don’t truly believe it because the heart of change always links belief with action.  

Belief grounded in action is faith.  

Motivation underpins faith to act right based on true hope.  

The reason I think most if not all of us struggle with change is converting that attitude to action — being true of heart.  Another way of thinking about it is this: 

Action requires a heart committed
for behaving differently
over a sustained period of time.  

Christians have a definite advantage when it comes to increased chances that true change will stick.  They are at least in theory more prepared to admit the true issue is a matter of the right (or wrong) heart.  

The heart of true change is about
change toward a true heart.  

If a person wants to be a better person, they cannot get better unless they face what is wrong with their heart.  If we are ambitious, selfish, greedy, unkind, lazy, lustful, etc, it always starts with the heart.  

There’s nothing wrong with admitting wrongness of heart.  Perhaps it’s the only right thing we can do.  The Old Testament prophet Jeremiah (17:9) stated this truth powerfully if only we’d accept it, and change:  

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?”   The next verse answers the question… only God can understand it.  Verse 10 says, “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”  

Our conduct, sustained over a greater portion of time, which reflects our true heart, is what God judges, and this is evident in the way life works, more or less.  Our true heart is judged.  Not what we pretend to think, say, or do — as if we could fool God.  

If our heart covets nothing but doing the right thing, all ways, we will be rewarded — if not in this life, in the next.  That is always the test of a true heart.  

A true heart never seeks reward. 
Ironically, that’s the only heart God can reward.  

“Can I accept that I may not get my reward until I see God in eternity?”  

If only we can reconcile this, our motivation will always be right, because revelation has convicted us at the level of our insight.  

We must truly be prepared, as Jim Eliot said, to lose everything we cannot keep to gain what we cannot lose — and that right there is the abundant spiritual life Jesus promised to every believer.  But we must be prepared to lose our life to gain it.  

It all starts in the heart.  If we had hearts that always saw right and were always committed to doing right, we would always do right with the same attitude.  But we don’t.  This is a liberating truth two ways.  First, there’s no need to feel ashamed or annoyed; we all struggle with the same thing — if we can admit it.  Second, the key to change stands right there before us.  

We can repent of the corruptness of heart,
and move in a life-giving direction of change.  

Evidence that we have moved is blessing not so much in our own lives, but more through us into others’ lives.  Being genuinely other-oriented is evidence of the right heart.  We can seek such a heart but only God can change hearts.  True change, therefore, is a matter of prayer with the right heart.