What people too often misunderstand about the abuse dynamic

One of the things I’ve been learning about myself over the past five years is how sensitive I am to feeling or being misunderstand.  I’ve come to recognise it’s something that many people are sensitive about.  Indeed, it wasn’t until I heard Dr Rod Wilson of Regent College cite in a live on-campus talk he did that he had the same sensitivity that I discovered it was okay.  We’re not weak for being sensitive.  Too easily we buy in to the rhetoric that being sensitive is not okay — I mean where does that come from when Paul, Timothy and even Jesus (among so many more figures of the Bible) were sensitive types?  Just because these were sensitive, it doesn’t mean they weren’t courageous.  They were.

Learning this about myself has made me more empathetic toward others, especially others who have been caught up in the toxic environment of an abusive dynamic.

An example of something many people misunderstand because they’ve never experienced true abuse is contained within a meme I saw posted by a few people from the following alleged ‘paraphrase’ from Brené Brown:

“When someone spews something really hurtful, don’t pick it up and hold it and rub it into your heart and snuggle with it and carry it around for a long time.  Don’t even put energy into kicking it to the curb.  You gotta see it and step OVER it or go AROUND it and keep going.”

This could allude to the idea that abuse is a once-off thing that is easily dismissed.  The trouble is, when someone is in a toxic environment that seems impossible to get out of, it’s not a matter of something, i.e. one thing, or every now and then, being spewed on them.  It’s happening regularly and they have no easy retreat.  It’s not as easy to “step OVER it or go AROUND it.”

The trouble with such a quote is it’s a battered wife or partner who it’s implied who sticks around for more.  Of course they don’t stick around for more.  It’s an oversimplification to think they have 100 percent control over what they or others do.

Often there are complicating factors as to why an abuse dynamic remains in a person’s life.

Often, it’s not so easy to up and leave.  It may frustrate you immensely watching on, but there are always reasons why dogs return to their vomit (I’m using an analogy, not saying abuse victims are dogs).

It’s far too easy for people to say, “Forgiveness is easy; don’t let it hurt and don’t get bitter in the first place.”  I can tell you from firsthand experience, having had this kind of attitude once-upon-a-time, that there are situations and circumstances that keep you in an abusive dynamic.  It’s the way of the world of narcissists and first-class manipulators, and blind supporters of these who are part of the narcissist’s cheer club, that make it possible for someone to be villainised while also being the victim.

Few people, I can assure you, intentionally roll in the spew.  But it APPEARS that way to the uninitiated.

Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash