We all have relationships with impossible people. Rick Warren
calls them EGR people: Extra Grace Required.
Not all these people are narcissistic by nature, but those
who are consistently exhibit these qualities. They:
ü
have no real empathy, but may ‘act in role’ as part of a masquerade of care;
ü
act entitled
— their needs are always more important than others’ needs;
ü
demand people exalt them — are easily annoyed when their egos are unfed;
ü
exploit
others through manipulation for their own gain — their true motive.
Narcissism is a most nuanced condition of humanity. It helps
to simplify the language. Think of it in terms of low empathy with high
entitlement, high need for
exaltation, with high capacity to
exploit.
The more I’ve studied narcissism, the more I’ve realised
there are subtle forms of it everywhere, and in every single one of us. But
those who are honest about this base sin have at least the hope that they
aren’t as narcissistic as they may genuinely fear they otherwise could be.
Christians should be least narcissistic of all, but that presupposes that
Christians bear the fruit of daily repentance — the most obvious and required
fruit of salvation. This demands that God truly is on the throne of their
heart. This is only possible through momentary dependence of God. This being
so, honesty is inherent to their daily modus operandi, meaning that honest
reflection translates into behaviours that demonstrate others-come-first humility.
But those who are unable to be honest — who cannot, and worst, will not, comprehend
their sin — are the worst of all narcissists, for they’re that weak they cannot
bear to be wrong.
As tough as it is being wrong, most of us understand there’s
no success arguing the fact. If we’re wrong, we’re wrong. Best get on with the
consequences of it, including making our sincerest apologies. If we recognise
that our world doesn’t end in being wrong, we can bear the thought and
experience: we all practice injustice, regardless of our intention, from time
to time. We all do wrong. Anyone pretending that injustice always comes from
others is the worst of all liars.
Yet, even if the narcissist could bear being wrong, they would find some way of attempting to
capitalise on the matter through manipulation or coercion, all the while rage threatens
to bubble to the top if they don’t get away with it.
There are narcissists
within your church, your community group, and likely within your family too.
They lurk everywhere. Few families and communities are saved from them. They’re
the ones who cause trouble and do not care about it, and, such is the
malignancy of their nature, their lack of regard draws the negative out of
others. It always becomes the other person’s fault. There is never any genuine
contrition. They truly lack any capacity for empathy. (And yet, if it serves
the narcissist well, they learn the ‘skill’ of empathy, weaponising what should
never be weaponised.) And most of all, because they crave power and prestige,
where are they most commonly found? Wherever they may be showered in the glory
their shallow souls hanker after.
If you read this with any sort of authentic wondering, ‘Am I
a narcissist?’ you probably aren’t. Although we’re all capable of trying it on,
and I’m a believer that we can certainly have seasons and situations of being
narcissistic. I’ve had them. Pride is the sign to watch for. And times of
weakness where we resent such weakness. If only we considered how close we are to God when we depend on
him in our honesty when we’re feeling weak!
The paradox of narcissism suggests that anyone who can seriously
consider they might be probably isn’t; yet the one who deplores the very
thought, let alone accusation, there he is!
Note:
‘he’ isn’t the only narcissist, although males are more represented. Narcissism
in women is not uncommon.
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